As I was walking into my apartment today, the grand daughter of my landlord was standing at the bottom of the stair with an ash cross on her forehead. I was confused for a moment but then said
"Nah! Just forgot to wash my face." she responded. We had a chuckle and I went to my apartment.
Ash Wednesday is fascinating to me. Seriously! I’ve been reading a lot about “dirt” lately. Dirt in this case being any matter out of place. Dirt in a pot with a plant growing out of it is not filth, dirt on your face is. How all of this is linked to “shame” and “shame/dirt commandments” are what keep social order. To accept someone’s ideas of filth is to be caught in a snare. How trickster figures use filth to uncover traps or “sacred truths” for what they were, illusions. How this kind of shamelessness is apocalyptic because it completely destroys the established order. Permeates the line between heaven and earth. Because fighting about how we as a culture define filth is to fight about how we have constructed our world. The sacred vs. the profane. And in this western culture we have left little margin for error or filth and invalidate chance and accidents rather than seeing them as miraculous.
The act of deliberately putting ‘filth’ on your face. And then, how it seemed to me, making a joke (to hide shame?) about it being out of place, is fascinating to me. Especially for someone who adheres to an Abrahamic religion.
You are taking ‘filth’ and placing it upon your head, your face, a zone of sacredness (as opposed to the genitalia, which is profane). Then you enter into the world again and by doing so, you become ashamed of the filth in your sacred area. You have crossed a boundary.
But you still adhere to the shame/dirt commandments. Somehow. This is an act of holding fast to it. It marks the beginning of a time of abstinence. It is just an ash cross on your forehead. All it reveals is your penance, nothing more.
Tlatzolteotl is cosmic filth. She is an extremely important component to the web of the universe. At every intersection, at every crossroads, She is the path of dirt, shame, validity in an accident. She is the things that conservative minds or moralists would cast aside as garbage. She is female. She is not just a biproduct of coincidence she is a creator herself. And because she is filth, slag, she is also a purifier.
Just some thoughts for today.
I’ve been really sick the last couple of months and its sort of all started to culminate within me the last few days.
I looked at my red tail hawk feather and asked myself “why is that sacred to you?” and anything I said sounded stupid to me. “How is a bird any more sacred than you are? aren’t you both made of the same things? You both have hemoglobin, carbon, etc.” and I became gripped with this extreme fear. In my sadness I told myself “You’ve spent too much time in the North and with your ancestors. It’s time to head east. Toward the rising sun, fire, your childhood.” So despite my feeling of loss for this medicine that I’ve studied so passionately the past few years I was still using the medicine wheel to doctor myself. Anchoring maybe. In order to cope. People need guiding myths. Hopes, dreams, problems, beliefs, all of these things give life meaning. But my childhood is a place I thought I had already made peace with and didn’t plan on going back to. But maybe not, maybe now is the time to chip away at things that trigger me, so that those past traumas no longer have their fingers in me. I need to reunify alienated or ‘lost’ parts of myself in order to find greater fulfillment. A soul retrieval and to re ennoble the material of the cosmos. Only when my spirit is healed can I find total integration.
I’ve started reading “The Modern Alchemist: A personal guide to transformation” and its helping a lot.
I yearn for a greater understanding of myself and the sacred all pervading energy that permeates the cosmos. Traditional religion could not meet those needs and so I sought older wisdom to reclaim what had been lost, which could provide me with better understanding.
Right now I seek to become consciously aware of the transformation and facilitate its unfolding.
The Jaguar, my nagual, one of my souls, is the transforming power of my higher self, it is the mediator between that which is unconscious and that which is manifest. It is trans-dimensional and can exist on any plane. It belongs to neither consciousness nor subconsciousness but can access both. It will guide me to a higher perspective and awareness by reconciling opposites. Those opposites are reconciled into the tools, the medicine, that Jaguar brought to me in order for me to embue them with value. Because I am sacred, and I made the tools sacred. With these tools, my ego can work more effectively with my subconscious.
Right now I am losing that ego. It is just my Jaguar and my subconscious.
My subconscious has been hellish lately. A tempest. I must be like the bison now and walk calmly into the storm.
I need this transformation to reconnect with the guiding, nurturing powers of the sentient universe and trust in its divine will. To a greater degree of mental health and spiritual maturity. To my own unique perfection.
Im going to New Mexico next week to find a medicine woman to help me through this. Ill keep updating as I make my way through this process.
Hey Everyone! My Nana Baby is sick He has a tumor that is going to cost $300 to remove. I’m trying to sell art to raise money to pay for the procedure so if I have any prints you like please message me! I’m also taking commissions so if you want a mug that says “Ex Boyfriend Tears” or “The Baddest Bitch”, if you want a t shirt of Zombie stripper riding a unicorn, if you live close and want photos taken of your, whatever! message me and we can work out prices! Anyone with a fur baby can empathize, I love this dog with all my heart. I got Max when I was 9, and he has been a huge part of my healing and growth for the last 13 years. Please share! And thank you:3